Monday 31 October 2011

Trick or Treat!

Halloween is the best holiday of all the holidays except for maybe Mother's Day.  I have loved it best since childhood.  To hell with Christmas and all those presents and pressure.  Don't give me no Easter and Thanksgiving dinners.  Halloween is the shit.  Especially for a scream queen like myself.

This year it is my year to stay home and hand out candy to the kids.  (Yay!)  I've got The Exorcist and Rosemary's Baby to watch which are, along with The Omen, works of cinematographic art.  And I'm making guacamole and sangria.  OMG, this summer I made sangria for the first time.  It was awesome.  I went looking for recipes online but they all sounded not right somehow.  I guess it's the idea of adding gingerale or lemonade to it.  I mean it's wine.  A shot of brandy does not make it strong enough to water it down like that.  So I ended up developing my own recipe based on what I was able to learn about sangria.

I don't usually make a habit of posting my recipes on my blog but I'm going to post this one in honour of Halloween because I think it's a recipe that even my domestically challenged bitches can get behind.  And because I think that it is one of the easiest ones to make with a minimum amount of shopping.  Also, it will get you totally sloshed so proceed with caution.  When I made mine I thought Daddy was going to drink it with me.  I was as wrong about that as I was about the alcohol content of the drink and the sangria kicked my ass.  Like the recipe, this drink is for sharing.

I now proudly present to you Mommy's Killer Sangria:

Yummy!  But I would never add this much fruit.
1 750 ml bottle of red wine - It doesn't matter what kind.  You are about to mix it up with sugar and fruit and other stuff so you aren't going to notice any of the complexities or tannins or any of that other pretentious shit.  Feel free to go cheap.

1L bottle of Smirnoff Ice -  I figured why add plain lemonade when you could add hard stuff,  right?  Also, now I don't have to buy a whole bottle of brandy just so I can use one shot of it to make what might turn out to be a stupid sangria I wasn't even sure I was going to like anyway.  When was I ever going to drink brandy?  This was the part of the recipe when I thought putting regular lemonade or gingerale with red wine was going to be awful.  I once had a white wine spritzer made with Sprite and it made me lose hope in humanity.  I've always liked Smirnoff Ice and I thought it would have the right kind of grown-up lemony kick without tasting like alcoholic Mountain Dew.

1 orange, 1 lemon and 1 lime - Just squeeze the juice of these.  Most recipes I found want you to put decorative slices in the punch.  Well you know what?  I want to drink my drink without a big annoying hunk of citrus constantly bumping up against my mouth.  Instead I just put the squeezed husks of the fruit in for flavour and then fish them out before serving.

1/2 cup sugar - If you go and make a "skinny girl" out of my killer sangria I will cut you.

So they say when you make this you are supposed to mix together the wine, the fruit juice, the squeezed fruit and the sugar in a pitcher and leave it overnight.  I don't have time for that so fuck it.  I'm giving it an afternoon and serving it on ice.  When you're ready to drink grab that Smirnoff Ice you've been chilling.  The other recipes say to pour two cups into it.  I wrecked myself so badly when I made this (I'm not a drunk I just have very low tolerance) I now forget exactly how much I added.  I'm pretty sure I poured that whole bad boy in there.  This probably shouldn't affect the alcohol content but it will affect the taste so I guess just add whatever amount makes it taste good.

This is a pretty flexible recipe.  You might be asking, "What if I don't like red wine?"  I know "sangria" means something about blood which is why I picked it for a Halloween drink, but who cares?  I've always wanted to try this recipe with white wine because I think it would be great.  I'd love it if any of you could make a white wine version and tell me how it goes.

But what about the guacamole?  Are you kidding?  It's Halloween, you don't have to cook.  If you want guacamole just mash some avocados with lime, tomato and jalapeno.  It's that easy and that's why I'm making it.

Happy Halloween!

Thursday 27 October 2011

Because you Asked For It: Blackberry Regrets

Source: Child Central

Hi, I have an 11 year old girl who has just left year 6.  I have messed up.  I stupidly gave her a blackberry following months of her saying everyone in her class has one.  I don't know why I gave in.  Anyway I now realise it was a stupid and irresponsible decision.  She is of course way too young and now spends so much time messaging her friends as it's free.  She is going to secondary school in september.  I believe she can have a phone but does not need such a high tech one.  I want to correct my terrible parenting and give her back her simple old phone.  How can I do this and not make her feel punished for my mistake.

                                                                              Angela (London)

Dear Angela,

Usually I use this bit to make fun of parents for a variety of reasons, all of them boiling down to the fact that they deserve it.  But I like you Ang.  Your letter shows potential.  And I think I can help.

I think it's so cute the way you don't want to make her feel punished by your mistake.  But there is a way to avoid making her feel that burn, and I do use this strategy myself not because I'm worried about making my kids feel punished but because admitting my mistakes undermines my authority so I try to minimize that whenever possible.

At the age of eleven I promise you your daughter is ripe for a big-time screw up.  I was around that age when I committed the worst crime of my childhood.  And because of that Mummy Dearest was able to punish me by removing from my life something she had regretted allowing me without me hating her for it.  Due to the increased freedom for mischief the blackberry presents, it is extremely likely that her high-tech device will be involved in her own downfall making the removal of it all the more poetically just.

When she inevitably offends, just put on your best martyred expression and say in a pained voice, "Well I wanted you to have the blackberry, after all didn't I get it for you?  It's not my fault you used it to start a fringe terrorist group.  I am taking this away from you until you can find a more responsible way to express your radical politics."

And Angela, you don't have to stop there.  Honestly, an eleven year old girl does not really need any kind of cell phone.  All she wants to do with it is yak/text with her girlfriends for hours.  She can do that in person with them for free.  At least that's what my parents told me when I was begging them for my own phone and I didn't get that until I was sixteen and could pay the bill myself.

                                                                                        Mommy Rotten

Wednesday 26 October 2011

A Mathematical Approach to Bullshit

Mrs. A and Mrs. B are meeting for lunch.  The total time of the visit was 2.5 hours long.  Mrs. B asked Mrs. A fifteen questions about her life/children with the sole intention of one-upping Mrs. A's every response and dominating the conversation with braggings of her own beloved child under the guise of polite conversation.  Mrs. A was given approximately 30 seconds to one full minute to answer each question before Mrs. B launched into a five minute anecdote about her child, wherein she assures Mrs. A of the unquestionable superiority of said child.   

Answer the following questions: 

1) What is the maximum possible number of minutes Mrs. A was allowed to share some of her life with her friend she hasn't seen in months?  How many hours would that be?  What is the percentage?  Express this as a fraction.

2)  How many minutes of the conversation was dominated by Mrs. B's mindless chatter about her favourite child?  How many hours would that be?  Express as a percentage and a fraction.

3)  How many minutes of the conversation are left over for meaningful conversation (assuming of course that Mrs. B does not dominate that time with general complaints about everything in her life) between friends?

4)  Approximately how many units of alcohol will Mrs. A need to consume in order to prevent the rage stroke  she feels coming on?

5)  If each anecdote Mrs. B tells represents a week of avoidance from Mrs. A, how long will it be before Mrs. A is able to tolerate another visit from Mrs. B?

6)  What is the statistical likelihood of Mrs. A punching Mrs. B in the face if Mrs. B doesn't pull her head out of her ass?

7)  If you answered question 6 correctly you will see that Mrs. A needs a wake up call.  Please inform Mrs. A  of how long she may have to spend time in jail if she indulges in her face-punching whim.  Express this number as a percentage of her children's lives relative to their ages.

8)  What are the odds that Mrs. A will be able to drop this particular acquaintance  thereby avoiding all future rage strokes?


1) Mrs. A could not have spent more than 15 minutes answering Mrs. B's questions.  That is only 0.25 hours, or 10% of the conversation or 1/10.

2)  Mrs. B yakked about her kid for 75 minutes, which is 1.25 hours, or 50% of the conversation or 1/2.

3)  That left 60 minutes (or one hour) of the conversation for Mrs. B to try to relate to Mrs. A in a real way, which is pretty sad because that never happened.  She did indeed complain generally and kiboshed any attempts on the part of Mrs. A to sympathize because, of course, no one suffers like Mrs. B.

4)  A little less than 750 ml of wine.  Maybe only half that if she has a friend with whom to share the wine and the whine.

5)  About 15 weeks or a little less than 4 months.  Unfortunately the holidays are coming sooner than that and with them another visit, which means that Mrs. A might need to prepare in advance by stockpiling boxes of wine.

6)  99.9%

7)  I actually don't know how much time aggravated assault gets you but any time is too much.  Never, never set that example for your kids Mrs. A, because no matter how much time you spend in jail it will always be much longer for your kids.  Calm the fuck down.

8)  Absolutely none.  It is that kind of relationship and Mrs. A is just going to have to suck it up and hope she doesn't develop a serious alcohol dependency.  Life sucks like that sometimes, Mrs. A.  If you can manage to get through this shit you will be a better person for it.

Thursday 20 October 2011

Hey! You Childless Women. Suck it Up and Have Babies Already!

Everyone MUST have babies!
As I was wasting time on facebook this article came up in my newsfeed courtesy of STFU Parents.  It is a post by a mom admonishing her fellow "Generation X" women, a "startling 43%" of whom are childless, to ovary up and start breeding already. Well I, too, am a "Gen X-er" I couldn't agree more!  I mean, what is going on?!?

First of all there's this pathetic excuse that women aged 33-46 are delaying having children because they are overworked and underpaid.  WHAT.  EVER.  If we let personal finances get in the way of making babies we might never have them.  And then where would we be?  We'd be robbed of becoming better people and having our lives enriched (not financially, of course).  I can think of absolutely no other way to enrich your life and improve yourself as a human being.  Besides, our parents and everyone they knew had lots of kids and there wasn't anything wrong with the way our parents were running things, right?

I would love to have more money but that didn't stop me from making babies.  Sure, it had a negative impact on my health and marriage but these are the sacrifices we morally superior women make.  Suck it up!

I want to empathize with women who struggle to find a partner they trust enough to go with on this journey of parenthood.  Because, now that we removed the pathetic excuse of not enough money, the only possible thing that would stand in the way of any rational woman's desire to whelp a litter is lack of a man.  But honestly I just think that these women are gun shy after probably growing up in a broken home.  Live a little ladies!  Have some faith!  Life's an adventure and without children you are totally missing out!  If you're in a relationship that has these kind of trust issues then nothing will clear that up like a screaming, squalling, demanding infant.  I had a baby with my man and everything turned out alright.  Hell, I had two.  What are you afraid of?

And all you single ladies?  It doesn't matter if you don't have a partner to help you, the only thing that matters is that you experience the joys of parenting.  (But only if you're ready for it of course.  After all it is the hardest job in the world.)  Of course given that I am married and have no idea what it is like to be a single mom I'm kind of talking out of my ass here.  But nevermind that.  Just have babies!  What are you waiting for?

Nevermind our overpopulation problem, or the resulting strain on the world's resources.  Nevermind all those statistics that tell us having children makes you less happy, with your happiness returning only after the kids have left home.  You will have macaroni art and sticky kisses.  You will have done the world a wonderful service by  filling it with children.  And if you don't have children you will continue on in your selfish life as an emotionally stunted troll who will never know joy.  I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

Because you Asked For It: The Road Runner

Source:  Child Central

my seven year old daughter keeps running into roads when she doesn't get her own way what do i do?

today her sister told her on the way back from school she could not go in her room with her friend when they got home so my daughter ran across a main road to the other side luckily there were no cars at this point I then had to talk my other daughter into "telling her what she wants to hear" till we get her home safely I then coaxed her and directed her to cross back over the road safely 5 mins later her younger brother upset her again she then proceeded to run straight out and infront of a car wich luckily for her stopped in time.  She just stood there infront of the car staring at me while i was screaming at her my heart pounding so fast i couldn't breath I finally got her home she was sent to her room grounded for a week so she misses out on her special day out.  Later I had to take her to brownies across the same road going there was fine but coming home she wanted to go to the shop but i didn't have any money on me she then began to start throwing a tantrum I was so scared she might do it again that I grabbed her arm and dragged her kicking and screaming all the way home.  I have to cross this road twice every day to take her to school but i'm so scared as its not the first time shes done it she used to do it all the time but we fort shed grown out of it and she has done it on different roads every time she doesn't get her own way but we have never given into her we just tell her what she wants to hear until she is safely away from the road and then take her home and punish her what can I do???

                                                                                     by jodie 

Dear jodie,

First of all, let me say that I admire you for choosing not to spank your daughter in this extreme parenting situation.  Because we all know that spanking your child is 100% wrong, 100% of the time.  No matter what.  In fact spanking is so wrong that anything else is better.  Anything.  Even lying and pandering.  Even getting your other children to lie and pander.  But let's be honest here.  Clearly your methods are not strong enough for your daughter because she keeps running back into that road.  What we want is for her to never do that again so you won't have to keep going through this song and dance.

The best and most effective way to discipline children is to use natural consequences.  And the natural consequences of running into the road are severe injury and possibly death.  Because the whole point of the exercise is to actually avoid this kind of consequence you are going to have to get creative and fake the consequences.  I've given a lot of thought to the logistics of this (because I am totally helpful like that, and because I got bored of running my secret underground militia) and here's how I think it should go down:

Have a friend come along with you the next time you have to walk near that road.  Have this friend push a covered stroller and tell your daughter that your friend's baby is sleeping in there and not to disturb her.  But in reality you will have a life-like baby doll in there packed in with some water balloons full of fake blood.  When you get close enough to the road have your friend suddenly go nuts and shove the stroller out into traffic as hard as she can.  With any luck a car should hit it, and baby and blood will go flying all over the place.  Be sure to add to the overall effect by screaming, "Dear God!  The humanity!"

Yes, you will endanger the life of the driver and any passengers in that car.  Yes, you will incur criminal charges.  Yes, you will scar you daughter for life, but it will be a very long life that does not end tragically as roadkill and everyone will know what a wonderful mother you are for going to extreme lengths to avoid spanking.  Because spanking is just irresponsible.

                                                                                            Mommy Rotten

Wednesday 19 October 2011

Bizarre Love Triangle

Daddy recently had a computer client that was a little, uh...different.  Meet Marge.  Apparently Marge is being hacked by Cathy-May Sullivan, a nefariously clever super-genius, who happens to have ninja-grade hacking skills and is after her man.  It is unclear whether the man, Big John, is a hapless victim of her feminine wiles or somehow in on the conspiracy but that is just one of the things she is hoping my husband will find out.

You see, part of Daddy's problem is that 1) he never lies to customers and 2) Marge was offering to pay him too much money.  He strongly suspected (and was right) that there were perfectly ordinary explanations for all the weird things going on with her computer.  He also suspected that she would not accept any explanation other than her hacker conspiracy.  He was trying to cover his ass by getting a recording of him giving her a disclaimer that made no absolute promise that he would be able to find any "evidence".  

Poor Daddy.  All he wanted was a couple of minutes to explain to her his limits.  Unfortunately for him (but awesome for us!) he could not get a word in edgewise.  She kept driving the conversation back to her drama, trapping him into politely listening to every sordid detail.  And so, after making enough little changes to protect identities and keep things ethical, I present to you "The Hacker's Love Triangle" written in the voice of Marge:

"I wrote him a note and I said, 'Listen, I don't know what the fuck happened between us, for me to be getting what I'm getting, but I'm gonna make it real simple for ya.  Go.'  Y'know?  'She can have ya.  I've had enough, I'm not fightin' like this.  She thinks I sent her an email over bullshit and that wasn't even threatening, there's no names on it and everything else, and that's enough for you to say we're through?  If you wanna believe someone else after ten years then you fuckin' take 'em, you go with 'em'.  'No, I need time to think.  I need to straighten it out. You won't leave me alone.'  Oh, I'll leave you alone.  And I have.  But then, when she started gettin' things, a few things, I had to contact him."

"So I said to him in the last email, I said 'My blackberry's hacked.'  'Cause he accused me, see he started askin' me a few months ago about his blackberry.  I don't know shit about blackberries.  But after having to deal with Roger's, they told me to go online and I saw spyware and I read up on it.  And all these questions he's askin' me were, were spyware questions.  And I'm thinkin' 'He got fuckin' spyware on my phone and he's wonderin' if I've noticed!'  But what it is, is she said I put spyware on his phone and that he should get it checked.  But they're fucked because I cut it off.  And I'm not the one who installed it."

"So she had spyware on his phone.  She got pissed off because he couldn't talk me into re-enacting it.  And I said, 'You got one phone and if you're meeting up with her, you make sure your bluetooth is not on' and I said 'As a matter of fact you make sure your fuckin' phone is off, period. 'Cause I don't need to be blamed for any fuckin' thing else.'  And with that, the next night, well that was on  a Friday night-"


"The next night was when my ah, fuckin' cell got attacked. And I mean he doesn't have to have his phone on or the bluetooth, or he hasn't gotta be sittin' next to me.  'I'll getcha wherever the fuck you are-'"


"That was her way of sayin' that.  The other one was when that I made the mistake of sayin' 'Listen, I have no other way of gettin' to you so, this is the last you'll hear of me.  I sent this on my son's computer, like here's the way it is.'-"


(At this point she starts to get worked up.  At first I was confused but then I realized she was having an imaginary conversation with her husband.)

"And I just - fuck - gave- Look.. You know what?  You make up your mind.  Like, you need time to think?  Just remember, I'm not a storage warehouse.  And not everything is your fuckin' decision.  But this is when she got-

(Daddy butts in here, in an attempt to get to the point.  It fails.  She gets back to her story.)

"Now, with someone with the intelligence she has, the weekend that he came home two nights before he got here, we had a really good weekend, we were doin' great, and even when he left we were happy and everything else.  He never spoke to her for a week.  She started for the first time in a couple a months, which I  noticed a change in him and all these questions?  Gettin' mad and writin' stuff on the wall.  For someone so intelligent, what she wrote on the wall, 'Just cuz (c-u-z), Just cuz you got there, don't mean you got to stay.'  And I said "Oh gee, well then Big John, you don't got to stay if you don't wanna."

(Desperate attempt to bring convo back to computers.  I can hear her agreeing with what he is saying but then suddenly remembers some new anecdotal "evidence")

"I think that I have pushed her boundaries because she..she...I...I noticed she was never cooling down.  She never ever had a lev-  level head.  Now some geniuses are just like that.  They're psychotic, they're like a...ah...fuckin', y'know a polar,"

"Bipolar, yeah-"

"-and shit like that?  And I got a lot of friends like, that are geniuses, and they have like one defect in one way or another.  And she has one.  And what kills her is that she's 43 and looks over 50, I'm 50 I look 43.  That's fuckin' killing her.  She's got me on every date site you wanna name and she's on."


"Oh yeah.  I told her, I says, "Hey, don't bother puttin' me on date sites, Big John changed his status two minutes and I got asked out.  I've never had to look for a man in my life, you desperate bitch.  Heh.  Y'know, how desperate are you that you have to do this to me to try and get a man?  If he wanted you would he not have been there long ago?  And yet here I am telling him to fuckin' go.  If he's not there yet, why are you still attackin' me?  I'm not holdin' him back.  You're welcome to him at this fuckin' point.  I told him that from the beginning-"

"Yeah but for people, that won't, that won't cool anybody down, hearing that, right?" (Careful, Daddy.  Don't upset her reality.)

"No, but I told her, y'know like I don't believe in mak- trying to make someone stay with you who doesn't want to be with you.  You can't do that.  So, why bother trying?  It's a waste of fuckin' time, effort and life.  Life is too short."

"Yeah, but sometimes it's hard to let go."

"Not for me.  Nooo, no, no."

"So, what we're going to do is-"

"I'm not- I- y'know what?  It's not that I'm cold.  It's that I'm very, very sensitive but I've had so much happen in my life, I'm programmed.  So, impact:  I can take impact.  And I'll just move on."

(Daddy bravely goes forward with his disclaimer that he may not find any evidence.  Her response?)  

"I think I made her fuck up a few times by makin' her mad because that's when instant changes took place and when someone's mad and they're not thinkin' to coverin' their ass right away.  They fuck up.  Which is why I was doing what I was doing.  And like the police officer said, 'Y'know you're only damaging your computer more.'  I said, 'What's more important?  Y'know? Come on.  We're talkin' about a fuckin' insignificant piece of machinery here.  This is my entire life has been invaded, trashed, relationships, everything!'  He didn't give a fuck."

"Well on the down side..." (more bullshit disclaimer)

"Now my son's all, he uses his facebook, email, youtube and all of that no problem.  So she hasn't touched him. And then I got his camera covered and I got it taped, so as soon as that comes in the door it doesn't get turned on when that goes out the fuckin' door.

"It doesn't work like that-"

"And that's what he's gotta grasp."

"-because the settings on the router, blah blah blah (technical explanation of why what she's talking about is impossible)-

"Oh yeah, I'll change the router.  Right.  Exactly,  Yeah, I mean I'll get everything changed   ...start phonin' me when you get to ---- (This is her talking about how much money she is pretty much demanding that he charge her) I mean, I 'm not fuckin' around.  I wanna.  I mean I could have had this "looked after" a long time ago, but that's not what I wanted."  (Daddy explains to me that by "looked after" she means she could have had Cathy May bumped off.)

Shortly after that the recording ends because he has to go.  He says goodbye and promises to come back in a few days after he's looked into the matter.

Next visit...

"You're saying that you're not finding anything?  Because on my gmail account, the last night I was in there, when I got really pissed off, right?  Because I put a fatitious (fictitious) email-"

"When was this?"

"Uh, before you took it, I put a fatitious email on a sticky note, it took him a long time to get to it.  But when I went into it the night after I was talkin' to you, I got so pissed off that I entered the password 'hacked by CMS'.  The thing is, when I entered 'hacked by CMS' I didn't write a hint to who hacked me or something like that, I put in who was my pet.  I had not touched my computer until Monday, when I decided to go print off some paperwork for the police.  And that's when I opened it up and accessed my computer.  The password was changed, and the hint wasn't the same.  That's, that's not from my gmail!  I didn't write it.  That's not anything I wrote.  So they turned on their wireless and changed my password!"

"Well I went and changed that password, whatever it was-

"Did you figure out what the password was?"

"No I just erased it."

"Did you?  Damn, I wish I had known what it was."

"Well, I could still retrieve that for you."

"I'd like to know, who was hacked by who, according to this person that's doin' this."

"Of course, it depends on how complicated the password is-"

"The only thing I can guess is that, like I said, I'm being accused of hacking my husband's email.  So, it's either "John Boyd", which I tried.  Didn't work."

"Well, they wouldn't put in something that obvious-"

"Yes, they would!"

"Rhanr?"  (This is the sound Scooby Doo makes when he is trying to convey a simultaneous feeling of confusion and incredulity )

"Yes, yes, she would."

(Unable to take it anymore) "So then, she's smart enough to get in your shit but dumb enough to put in their own name?  Just-"

"No, they're not.  Rude enough to try get me to admit that I hacked my husband.  That's the intent of it."

(He decides it's easier to just concede her point.  She then goes on to list a whole bunch of possible variations on any of Big John's internet handles as potential passwords including "PapaBear007" "BigBadJohn_69" and "johnjohn".)

"Basically, what it come down to at that point, I didn't give a fuck.  I didn't want to try, I'd had enough.  I tried my own name.  Once that was in, I closed the fuckin' lid on it.  Because my intent was just to copy offline for the police.  All my paperwork that I had.  I couldn't get in there to do that.  So, the password could possibly be a good hint, because the gmail I opened was her initials, with '66', and like mine ends in '666', hers ended with '66'.  And it was a fatitious email.  But yet they were her initials!"

Daddy now makes excuses to leave.  They discuss their next moves etc.  And then this is what she says as he is leaving:

"Tomorrow morning when I wake up, soon as they open I'll be online.  I'm gonna set the password to 'Fuck you too'-"  (Here she apparently gestures to him to write this down)


"Capital 'F'-"


"Lower case 'u'-"

"Uh huh-"

"And the number '2'.  Heh heh.  That's what it's going to be put.  Heh heh heh."

And with that witty little joke Marge's tale ends, because that's when Daddy stopped recording.  Ah Marge, you are a truly special woman.  I hope Big John comes home to your lovin' arms.  Please be nice to my husband.

Thursday 13 October 2011

Because You Asked For It: One Gal's Used Underwear is Another Gal's Goldmine

Source:  Baby Center

Ridiculously inappropriate gift from do I tell her NEVER offer ANYONE used underwear?

"SO GROSS!"  ...or is it?
My MIL sent me a box full of clothes, a couple of skirts (only one of which was in my size) a bunch of shirts (none of which i would ever be caught dead in.  freaking hideous not to mention oversized) and, to my horror, a dozen or so bra and panty sets (not one piece in my size, but i guess it's far from necessary for a bra to fit right? yeah...)  They all looked terribly old, high waisted and shapeless.  I thought, well, she probably picked it all up on sale years ago, forgot about it, and though "OH! she'd like this stuff!" when she found it.  WRONG.  When I spoke to her, "most" of it had never been worn, and the white undergarment set she'd "only" worn once.  ON HER WEDDING NIGHT.  How do I tell her this is all seriously inappropriate?  I've fought with eating disorders in my younger years, so being sent "large" clothes is terrifying (I'm a small in most clothes , extra when shopping in old-lady sizes) and USED PANTIES?  That is SO GROSS!  SO says I'm being stuck-up, bit OMG! *gag*

Dear Recipient of Used Underwear,

OMG!  Do you have any idea how lucky you are?  I wish my MIL would send me used underwear!  Your average pair of used panties will fetch you about $20-$40 a pop.  Which means you are sitting on a minimum of about $240-$480.   That is assuming this underwear is typical run of the mill sexy stuff.  But the fact that you are disgusted by the fashion, size and age of the underwear means that you are sitting on a goldmine of high-grade fetish gear.

If I were you I would auction that shit off to the highest bidder.  That WEDDING NIGHT underwear will probably fetch an extremely handsome price on eBay.  And you don't even have to wear them, you lucky bitch!  I looked this up and you can make a career out of it.  There's even a social networking site called that helps put you together with your buyers.  They say "It's like eBay meets MySpace only the focus is on used panties."  It's so big in Japan they have vending machines!  (Shit, I think I'm going to get into this.  I've gotta go get Daddy on board.)

Have fun with your box-full of money and be sure to kiss your MIL next time you see her.  If you still really don't want the underwear contact me at and hook a bitch up!

                                                                                         Mommy Rotten

(You've really got to get over this size thing.  Seriously,  you're an old-lady extra small.  Extra-small old-ladies are the smallest people ever.  You're tiny.  Just take a deep breath and think about that money.)

Wednesday 12 October 2011

Mommy's Magic Mirror

Oh, oh, oh!  Can't you see me?  Say my F-ing name already!
"Romper, bomper, stomper, boo,
Tell me, tell me, tell me, do.
Magic Mirror, tell me today,
Have all my friends had fun at play?"

-Miss Mary Ann, Romper Room
(picture from "Nowhere With Me")

Oh man, how me and my brothers used to sit in front of the TV, waving our hands like fools hoping she would see us through that '70's-fabulous, magic mirror of hers.  And that bitch never once said my name, not even some other kid with the same name as me.  I always walked away from that show feeling slightly disappointed.  Way to alienate your viewers PBS.  See if I hang around during pledge week.  Assholes.

Fuck PBS.   This is Mommy Rotten's magic mirror, where people get recognized on basis of merit.  I want to share with you the blogs that I think are just totally awesome.  These are the writers who I'm willing to spend what little spare time I have to go back and read all their older posts.  I like them so much that I want other people to enjoy them too, but I'm a lazy ass when it comes to updating my blogroll.  Much better to dedicate a post to it.

The first friend I see in my mirror is my friend Jen.  Yes, I know that all my friends are named "Jen" (my cute way of changing names to protect the innocent) but this Jen is a real Jen.  Jen is one of those people who generates laughter everywhere she goes.  She could have made a career of it.  Instead she offers her sense of funny to the world for free via The Welfare Store, a photo caption blog displaying an eclectic collection of WTF mixed up with genitals.  Holy crap, are there a lot of genitals!  (Seriously Jen, what is up with all the genitals?)   I love The Welfare Store, particularly the less-genitally oriented facebook page (Go! Like it now!), but recently she launched a new blog and I am hopelessly addicted.

If you are a fan of the freakshow that is Courtney Stodden, but you can't be bothered following her on Twitter, welcome to Stoddenverse, where Jen shares with you Mrs. Stodden's outstanding skills with adverbs, adjectives and alliteration.  Doug, Jen and I agree that Courtney is a gift to us from heaven, and ought to be shared generously with the world.  Some examples:

"Tastefully trotted through such a delicious day as the sun sweetly shined upon my body & kissed it like a piece of chocolate coated candy! ;-)"

"Sensually standing under the showers scalding hot stream of spice as it slowly starts to melt me into sweet sugar! Mmm It's Savoury Saturday!"

"Dripping with dazzling diamonds --Bikini Style--as I get ready to crawl into the pool for a morning dip... Meow! ;-)"

And at such a tender young age (17) I have a feeling that Mrs. Stodden will be fuelling Jen's blog for a long time to come.

The next friend that I see is Yvonne who writes Attracted to Shiny Things.  I think I stumbled across Yvonne here in Blogspot when I clicked "next blog" and she randomly appeared.  I was immediately sucked in by the title.  I too, am attracted to shiny things and love to joke about it

Yvonne writes about her life as a mother with ADHD, among many, many, many other things.  But I think all those other things are ultimately ADHD related.  I love hearing the voices of adults with ADHD because they can articulate the experience in a way that my son, being a child, cannot.  She has a unique and funny way of looking at the world and she tells great stories.  I wish I could get drunk with her.  Some of her posts include "Sorry I killed your chickens Grandma but you really should have given me more information", "Plant Rape. It's Out There." and "Cross-Dressing Stalker or Paleontologist? You Tell Me."

Go read her.  You won't be sorry.  If you like her then let her know.

And finally I see Bitches in the Burbs.  I've mentioned them before but they are worth mentioning again, they are awesome.  No one could out-bitch them and still be worth listening to.  They own and celebrate the bitch and they do it with style.  I am down with that.  The Bitches in the Burbs are a three woman team (Bitch 1, Bitch 2 and Bitch 3) who collaborate by writing about all the things that frustrate and annoy them in the most unapologetically, hilarious, bitchy voice they can.  Reading their posts is cathartic.  When I'm done I feel like I've unloaded my bitch angst and can go on with my day, renewed and refreshed.
And damn!  I just love what they do with Barbies!  Kind of makes me wish I still had my old dolls to play with.  Some of my favourite posts include "Meet the Cockers", "A Bitch Out of Water" and "Bitches on Lockdown".  Definitely go and like their facebook page but if you happen to be on Twitter it is worth it to follow Bitch 1 and Bitch 2 (sadly, Bitch 3 doesn't do Twitter).  These bitches are a great resource for finding other funny, snarkastic, writers just like them.

I have encountered so many great blogs that it was hard to choose which ones to feature. I'll be peeking into my Magic Mirror every once in a while and spread the funny around.  Happy reading!

Thursday 6 October 2011

Because You Asked For It: Vacay From the Bay-bay

Source: The Essential Infant Resource for Moms

My daughter wants to go on vacation for a whole week and her son will only be 3 months old.  I am sad to see she is even considering this, as I still won't leave my 6 year old for more than a day.  I can't understand her with this decision, and my question is, will he forget her?  Will their bond be broken and need to be rebonded?  What are the affects it will have on my grandson, who will be with me?

She sees absolutely nothing wrong with it, and has already spent a fair amount of time away from him, daily with so many people here to care for him.  Please help me to advise her of the potential harm with their relationship and bond.


Well Robin, it pains me to tell you this but it is clear for everyone to see.  Your daughter is a lousy mother.  She really, really is.  She just sees absolutely nothing wrong with doing that kind of damage to her bond with her son.  That is, if she even has a bond.  I mean she already spends a fair amount of time away from him.  Daily.  This is the kind of trauma that will haunt a child for his whole life!

It really is a shame that she couldn't have learned about being a better mother from you.  After all, you wouldn't dream of leaving your child for more than one day!  I'm quite surprised that your superior clinging bonding skills didn't rub off on her, given the airtight bond you two must have had.  It's really just unnatural!  What kind of a mother wants to get away from her screaming shit factory  precious little baby for a whole week?

I'm afraid there is just no advising people like that about the terrible parenting mistakes they are making.  It's much easier to just talk about what assholes they are to anyone who will listen, perhaps under the guise of asking for advice.

                                                                                             -Mommy Rotten