Daddy recently had a computer client that was a little, uh...different. Meet Marge. Apparently Marge is being hacked by Cathy-May Sullivan, a nefariously clever super-genius, who happens to have ninja-grade hacking skills and is after her man. It is unclear whether the man, Big John, is a hapless victim of her feminine wiles or somehow in on the conspiracy but that is just one of the things she is hoping my husband will find out.
You see, part of Daddy's problem is that 1) he never lies to customers and 2) Marge was offering to pay him too much money. He strongly suspected (and was right) that there were perfectly ordinary explanations for all the weird things going on with her computer. He also suspected that she would not accept any explanation other than her hacker conspiracy. He was trying to cover his ass by getting a recording of him giving her a disclaimer that made no absolute promise that he would be able to find any "evidence".
Poor Daddy. All he wanted was a couple of minutes to explain to her his limits. Unfortunately for him (but awesome for us!) he could not get a word in edgewise. She kept driving the conversation back to her drama, trapping him into politely listening to every sordid detail. And so, after making enough little changes to protect identities and keep things ethical, I present to you "The Hacker's Love Triangle" written in the voice of Marge:
"I wrote him a note and I said, 'Listen, I don't know what the fuck happened between us, for me to be getting what I'm getting, but I'm gonna make it real simple for ya. Go.' Y'know? 'She can have ya. I've had enough, I'm not fightin' like this. She thinks I sent her an email over bullshit and that wasn't even threatening, there's no names on it and everything else, and that's enough for you to say we're through? If you wanna believe someone else after ten years then you fuckin' take 'em, you go with 'em'. 'No, I need time to think. I need to straighten it out. You won't leave me alone.' Oh, I'll leave you alone. And I have. But then, when she started gettin' things, a few things, I had to contact him."
"So I said to him in the last email, I said 'My blackberry's hacked.' 'Cause he accused me, see he started askin' me a few months ago about his blackberry. I don't know shit about blackberries. But after having to deal with Roger's, they told me to go online and I saw spyware and I read up on it. And all these questions he's askin' me were, were spyware questions. And I'm thinkin' 'He got fuckin' spyware on my phone and he's wonderin' if I've noticed!' But what it is, is she said I put spyware on his phone and that he should get it checked. But they're fucked because I cut it off. And I'm not the one who installed it."
"So she had spyware on his phone. She got pissed off because he couldn't talk me into re-enacting it. And I said, 'You got one phone and if you're meeting up with her, you make sure your bluetooth is not on' and I said 'As a matter of fact you make sure your fuckin' phone is off, period. 'Cause I don't need to be blamed for any fuckin' thing else.' And with that, the next night, well that was on a Friday night-"
"The next night was when my ah, fuckin' cell got attacked. And I mean he doesn't have to have his phone on or the bluetooth, or he hasn't gotta be sittin' next to me. 'I'll getcha wherever the fuck you are-'"
"That was her way of sayin' that. The other one was when that I made the mistake of sayin' 'Listen, I have no other way of gettin' to you so, this is the last you'll hear of me. I sent this on my son's computer, like here's the way it is.'-"
(At this point she starts to get worked up. At first I was confused but then I realized she was having an imaginary conversation with her husband.)
"And I just - fuck - gave- Look.. You know what? You make up your mind. Like, you need time to think? Just remember, I'm not a storage warehouse. And not everything is your fuckin' decision. But this is when she got-
(Daddy butts in here, in an attempt to get to the point. It fails. She gets back to her story.)
"Now, with someone with the intelligence she has, the weekend that he came home two nights before he got here, we had a really good weekend, we were doin' great, and even when he left we were happy and everything else. He never spoke to her for a week. She started for the first time in a couple a months, which I noticed a change in him and all these questions? Gettin' mad and writin' stuff on the wall. For someone so intelligent, what she wrote on the wall, 'Just cuz (c-u-z), Just cuz you got there, don't mean you got to stay.' And I said "Oh gee, well then Big John, you don't got to stay if you don't wanna."
(Desperate attempt to bring convo back to computers. I can hear her agreeing with what he is saying but then suddenly remembers some new anecdotal "evidence")
"I think that I have pushed her boundaries because she..she...I...I noticed she was never cooling down. She never ever had a lev- level head. Now some geniuses are just like that. They're psychotic, they're like a...ah...fuckin', y'know a polar, polar...bi-polar-"
"-and shit like that? And I got a lot of friends like, that are geniuses, and they have like one defect in one way or another. And she has one. And what kills her is that she's 43 and looks over 50, I'm 50 I look 43. That's fuckin' killing her. She's got me on every date site you wanna name and she's on."
"Oh yeah. I told her, I says, "Hey, don't bother puttin' me on date sites, Big John changed his status two minutes and I got asked out. I've never had to look for a man in my life, you desperate bitch. Heh. Y'know, how desperate are you that you have to do this to me to try and get a man? If he wanted you would he not have been there long ago? And yet here I am telling him to fuckin' go. If he's not there yet, why are you still attackin' me? I'm not holdin' him back. You're welcome to him at this fuckin' point. I told him that from the beginning-"
"Yeah but for people, that won't, that won't cool anybody down, hearing that, right?" (Careful, Daddy. Don't upset her reality.)
"No, but I told her, y'know like I don't believe in mak- trying to make someone stay with you who doesn't want to be with you. You can't do that. So, why bother trying? It's a waste of fuckin' time, effort and life. Life is too short."
"Yeah, but sometimes it's hard to let go."
"Not for me. Nooo, no, no."
"So, what we're going to do is-"
"I'm not- I- y'know what? It's not that I'm cold. It's that I'm very, very sensitive but I've had so much happen in my life, I'm programmed. So, impact: I can take impact. And I'll just move on."
(Daddy bravely goes forward with his disclaimer that he may not find any evidence. Her response?)
"I think I made her fuck up a few times by makin' her mad because that's when instant changes took place and when someone's mad and they're not thinkin' to coverin' their ass right away. They fuck up. Which is why I was doing what I was doing. And like the police officer said, 'Y'know you're only damaging your computer more.' I said, 'What's more important? Y'know? Come on. We're talkin' about a fuckin' insignificant piece of machinery here. This is my entire life has been invaded, trashed, relationships, everything!' He didn't give a fuck."
"Well on the down side..." (more bullshit disclaimer)
"Now my son's all, he uses his facebook, email, youtube and all of that no problem. So she hasn't touched him. And then I got his camera covered and I got it taped, so as soon as that comes in the door it doesn't get turned on when that goes out the fuckin' door.
"It doesn't work like that-"
"And that's what he's gotta grasp."
"-because the settings on the router, blah blah blah (technical explanation of why what she's talking about is impossible)-
"Oh yeah, I'll change the router. Right. Exactly, Yeah, I mean I'll get everything changed ...start phonin' me when you get to ---- (This is her talking about how much money she is pretty much demanding that he charge her) I mean, I 'm not fuckin' around. I wanna. I mean I could have had this "looked after" a long time ago, but that's not what I wanted." (Daddy explains to me that by "looked after" she means she could have had Cathy May bumped off.)
Shortly after that the recording ends because he has to go. He says goodbye and promises to come back in a few days after he's looked into the matter.
"You're saying that you're not finding anything? Because on my gmail account, the last night I was in there, when I got really pissed off, right? Because I put a fatitious (fictitious) email-"
"When was this?"
"Uh, before you took it, I put a fatitious email on a sticky note, it took him a long time to get to it. But when I went into it the night after I was talkin' to you, I got so pissed off that I entered the password 'hacked by CMS'. The thing is, when I entered 'hacked by CMS' I didn't write a hint to who hacked me or something like that, I put in who was my pet. I had not touched my computer until Monday, when I decided to go print off some paperwork for the police. And that's when I opened it up and accessed my computer. The password was changed, and the hint wasn't the same. That's, that's not from my gmail! I didn't write it. That's not anything I wrote. So they turned on their wireless and changed my password!"
"Well I went and changed that password, whatever it was-
"Did you figure out what the password was?"
"No I just erased it."
"Did you? Damn, I wish I had known what it was."
"Well, I could still retrieve that for you."
"I'd like to know, who was hacked by who, according to this person that's doin' this."
"Of course, it depends on how complicated the password is-"
"The only thing I can guess is that, like I said, I'm being accused of hacking my husband's email. So, it's either "John Boyd", which I tried. Didn't work."
"Well, they wouldn't put in something that obvious-"
"Yes, they would!"
"Rhanr?" (This is the sound Scooby Doo makes when he is trying to convey a simultaneous feeling of confusion and incredulity )
"Yes, yes, she would."
(Unable to take it anymore) "So then, she's smart enough to get in your shit but dumb enough to put in their own name? Just-"
"No, they're not. Rude enough to try get me to admit that I hacked my husband. That's the intent of it."
(He decides it's easier to just concede her point. She then goes on to list a whole bunch of possible variations on any of Big John's internet handles as potential passwords including "PapaBear007" "BigBadJohn_69" and "johnjohn".)
"Basically, what it come down to at that point, I didn't give a fuck. I didn't want to try, I'd had enough. I tried my own name. Once that was in, I closed the fuckin' lid on it. Because my intent was just to copy offline for the police. All my paperwork that I had. I couldn't get in there to do that. So, the password could possibly be a good hint, because the gmail I opened was her initials, with '66', and like mine ends in '666', hers ended with '66'. And it was a fatitious email. But yet they were her initials!"
Daddy now makes excuses to leave. They discuss their next moves etc. And then this is what she says as he is leaving:
"Tomorrow morning when I wake up, soon as they open I'll be online. I'm gonna set the password to 'Fuck you too'-" (Here she apparently gestures to him to write this down)
"Lower case 'u'-"
"And the number '2'. Heh heh. That's what it's going to be put. Heh heh heh."
And with that witty little joke Marge's tale ends, because that's when Daddy stopped recording. Ah Marge, you are a truly special woman. I hope Big John comes home to your lovin' arms. Please be nice to my husband.