Wednesday 14 December 2011

Beauty on a Budget: Look Like a Celebrity, Save Like Scrooge

It's the Holidays!  That time of year when we find ourselves invited to all kinds of fun and fancy social events. But it's also the time of year when we have the least amount of cash to spend on ourselves and how we look.  And let's face it: with all the holiday stress and highly sugared treats available we need all the help we can get!  What's a girl to do?

Well, fortunately for you I have been living on a student's budget for the last 15 years (even though I graduated 10 years ago) which went a long way towards helping me develop some MacGuyver-esque beauty solutions that are easy on the wallet.  And because I'm an awesome Mommy who knows that sharing is good I will tell you how to look like a celebrity while saving like Scrooge.

1)  It's almost officially winter and all that cold dry air is wreaking havoc on your hair.  If you want to look glamorous you could do what the stars do and visit a salon/spa where they will wash your hair with truffles and caviar for the humble price of $400 (not including tip).  Can't afford that?  Head out to your local drugstore and you can buy any number of deep conditioning products and hair masques that will only cost between $5-$20 depending on the product.  But you know what?  Mommy can do better.  If you really want soft, smooth shiny hair look no further than your local Asian market.

It's "natural"!
For only $3.99 you can buy a jar of Mr. Goudas' coconut oil.  I swear this man is the next Vidal Sassoon.    All you need is a tiny, tiny amount.  (Seriously, less is more with this stuff or else you will just be greasy instead of shiny.)  This jar of coconut oil will last forever.  Only it won't because it will go rancid before you're able to use it all up.  Solution?  Make popcorn!  Apparently some movie theatres use coconut oil to make their popcorn because it enhances that popcorny smell that makes you want to spend $6 on $0.30 worth of popcorn.  I swear by Mr. Goudas because using it makes my crispy, goat-pelt hair feel like silk.  Also great on skin!  Some women swear that it will diminish scars.  Obviously a beauty must-have.

2)  You've had a couple of kids and the girls, they just aren't hanging the way they used to.  In other words they hang far too much.  You could do what the stars do and get yourself a boob lift which will set you back $4000-$6000.  You could go out to Walmart or Bed Bath and Beyond and get one of those Strap Perfect gadgets that go on your bra to hold the straps together for only $5.  But Mommy is a cheap ass and know you can buy another stocking stuffer with that $5.  The solution?

Also doubles as a cat toy.
How about a piece of string?  Why shell out $5 when you can find a piece of string just lying around the house.  Sure it's not "invisible" like the Perfect Strap model but you can make it festive by using a red or green piece of string.  I had some pieces of silk ribbon in a drawer that I had saved from Christmas gifts Past and so my piece of string feels like it's sexy lingerie.  Just use piece of string to tie your bra straps together and voila!  Instant boob lift.  Yes, you can rock your cleave on Christmas Eve for absolutely nothing with a simple piece of string.

3)  You want to look your best for that fancy dress Christmas party you have to go to but those kids that messed with your boobs left their mark on your belly and butt, too.  You could go and get a tummy tuck and butt lift which will cost about $6000 each.  You could do what Tina Fey and Beyonce do and wear Spanx.  But a decent Spanx undergarment fetches about $100!  And Mommy knows from experience that the knockoffs are garbage.  How do we get Spanx control without Spanx prices?

It's a Canadian thang.
Why not take a page from Red Green's book and solve all your problems with duct tape?  Duct tape is fucking awesome as any good Canadian, having grown up on The Red Green Show, will tell you.  If you haven't had the benefit of enjoying the the comedy of Red Green just read this Wikipedia article where you'll find the many, many uses of duct tape.  This stuff is literally the glue of the US military and NASA!  Duct tape saves lives!  So it's certainly up to the task of holding up your ass for a couple of hours.  Duct tape also comes in a variety of colours all for the low, low price of $7.17 a roll!  And it doubles as an incredibly effective exfoliating and hair removal system.  You can't go wrong!  The only thing it can't do is cure your hangover the next day.  So please, drink responsibly.


  1. Great post! I was especially impressed with the string idea (and the string graphic).

  2. Thanks! Piece of string is very versatile. And when it is attached to your bra it's also very convenient for cat toy and other string related emergencies.