Thursday 21 June 2012

Men ARE Funnier Than Women. I Have Proof.

Recently Adam Carolla made headlines (for like, the first time ever) by declaring women unfunny.  Here's one of his quotes:

"When you're picking a basketball team, you'll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke.  Why?  Because you're playing the odds.  When it comes to comedy, of course there's Sarah Silverman, Tina Fey, Kathy Griffin - super funny chicks.  But if you're playing the odds?  No."


He forgot to mention Kristen Wiig, Amy Poehler, Sandra Bernhardt, Janeane Garofalo, Rita Rudner, Carol Burnett, Maya Rudolph, Bette White, Wanda Sykes, Ellen DeGeneres, Samantha Bee, Sara Benincasa, Garfunkel and Oates, Aubrey Plaza, Kristen Schaal, Phyllis Diller, Whoopi Goldberg, Lily Tomlin, Gilda Radner, Catherine O'Hara, Mary Walsh and Cathy Jones to name only a very exceptional few.  (I wanted to also mention Roseanne Barr but he did remember her.  Apparently he thinks she is unmemorable).  But are there enough names here to justify taking risk with the statistical odds?  Because Adam thinks that statistically having a vagina = wearing a yarmulke and having a penis = being a brother.

Hey, why don't we have a look at some of our penis-having "brothers" who are more likely to be chosen for Carolla's All-Penis-Imaginary-Comedy-Basketball team?  There's just something about having a penis that just makes you more naturally funny, amirite?

1.  Carrot Top

Ah Carrot Top, you are a-may-zing!  Tell me, do you do birthday parties?

2.  Jeff Dunham

In case you are familiar with the humour of Jeff Dunham and can't stand to click the "play" button, allow me to provide you a sample of the lyrics in this hilariously witty little ditty, sung by Achmed The Dead Terrorist:

          "Ooooh, Jingle bombs, Jingle Bombs, mine blew up you see,
           Where are all the virgins that Bin Laden promised me?
           Jingle bombs, Jingle bombs, your soldiers shot me dead,
           The only thing that I have left is this towel upon my head.

            I used to be a man, now every time I cough,
            Thanks to Uncle Sam my nuts keep falling off.
            My bombing days are done, I need to find some work,
            Perhaps it would be much safer as a convenience store night clerk."

Which is of course totally, knee-slappingly hilarious and not at all racially insensitive/offensive.  I would not be at all embarrassed to have this guy on my All-Penis, statistically funnier, Imaginary-Comedy-Basketball team.

3.  Larry the Cable Guy

LMFAO!!!  Boobla Boobla is just hysterical.  And what did he name his brother?  Booble Bobble Booble?  And there is nothing funnier than making fun of a language you don't understand with nonsense-sounds and clicks!  I'm dyyyyyying!  Surely, this updated "Me so solly" routine combined with catch phrases (ie.  "Git 'r done!") must be the height of penis-superior comedy.

4.  Jeff Foxworthy

Hey guys, men are different from women!  And although it is seriously unfunny and sometimes rude for women to point this out, it's somehow better and edgier when it comes from Jeff Foxworthy.  Women are preoccupied with their appearances and men aren't because they have more serious things to think about.  If a man cared about his complexion he would look downright childish.  But that's okay because women are nice on the phone.  Ha!  It's funny because it's true!

5.  Andrew Dice Clay

I read an article about when Adam was on "The Talk" and Sara Gilbert asked him about some of his homophobic humour.  Adam says that comedians need to get a pass because funny is mean.  Nice isn't funny.  Adam doesn't hate gay people, he's just a moderately wealthy, straight white guy who needs to be mean to a marginalized group so he can be funny.  I imagine that Adam thinks Andrew Dice Clay must be the King of Comedy because nothing is funnier than than a moderately wealthy, straight and able-bodied white guy making fun of "cripples".  Andrew Dice Clay doesn't hate "cripples" (after all, he has sex with buck-toothed hunchbacks), he's just trying to make an honest living.

6.  Michael Richards

I have watched a lot of Richards' comedy out of respect for his portrayal of Kramer and I can honestly say without a hint of snark that this is the funniest he has ever been.  Literally.  Way to go statistically funnier penis-guy!

7.   Gallagher

Ah Gallagher, you are a-may-zing!  Tell me, do you do birthday parties?

8.  Carlos Mencia

Now I know men are funnier than women.  I hear the great Mencia only steals his shit from dudes, and a genius like that would only steal the best shit.

9.  Yakov Smirnoff

Yakov didn't let a little something like the fall of the Soviet Union ruin his career.  Here he is keeping it fresh and edgy by talking about how women are different from men.  Yes Yakov, women are amazing at baking cakes, putting on makeup and having babies all at the same time.  Your humour is refreshingly positive and empowering for women.  You make us laugh and think.  All at the same time.

10) Tim Allen

Adam Carolla was totally right about Roseanne.  If she were a dude she would never be on TV.  Because, as Tim Allen so clearly demonstrates, dudes are obviously just held to a higher standard than chicks.  It's kind of disgusting that chicks keep getting all these breaks because stupid affirmative action makes you hire a certain number of chicks when there are obviously so many funnier dudes running around.

And that, folks, is my short-list for Adam Carolla's All-Penis-Imaginary-Comedy-Basketball team.  I think it's pretty clear that the evidence here is overwhelmingly in favour of men being funnier than women.  It's comforting to know that when pulling snap judgments and blanket statements out of his ass, Adam Carolla has the odds on his side.

Thank you, Adam.  I used to waste so much time actually listening to a person's material before being able to tell if they were funny or not.  Now, all I have to do is look for a penis!


  1. I used to think women weren't funny, until I heard that Adam Carrolla's mother said she was proud of him.

  2. You forgot about Weird Al. Like a Surgeon and Eat It are undoubtedly timeless classics. He's a douche. We're funnier than he is on a bad day. Without question.

  3. listen to the first 20min.

    ps. adam carolla's mother would never say that.

  4. I think we are missing the bigger picture. I can't remember a single time I found Adam Carrolla funny. This leads me to believe he cannot be trusted to tell me who is and isn't funny. Well, I take that back his face is pretty funny. Hmmm going to have think on this some more.

    1. I totally agree. Carolla is not funny. I even wanted to post some of his unfunny comedy but decided against it for a very good reason.

      "Women aren't funny" is nothing new. Comedy has always been a boys club and I have heard this bullshit for years and years. Saying Adam Carolla is not funny is a very good point BUT what about when someone who actually is funny says it? What if Louis CK said it? Would it make him right because he IS funny?

      So I decided instead to point out that men are just as likely (if not more so) to be unfunny as women. If any of those guys in my post were women they would not be allowed in comedy because I think women are the ones held to a higher standard. They do not get the credit they deserve.

    2. Very true. A guy can fart in the mic and people are rolling. Women need to have some wit. I don't disagree with you at all. I do think that it's the less funny men who tend to point it out in the media. Probably because they feel threaten.

  5. Adam Corrolla is not funny. Maybe he's trying to be an insult comic, but he totally misses the mark with that, too. He's just annoying. Thanks for this- now I have another idiot to add to the long list of people I hate. ;)