Wednesday, 23 January 2013

My ALL CAPS Christmas Eve Morning

I know it's a little late to be blogging about Christmas but it has taken me this long to get over my PTSD enough to make this post funny (instead of it turning out to be a sad, self-pitying rant).  Anyway it occurred to me that (yet again) my insanity can be transformed into your entertainment so allow me to present to you my ALL CAPS Christmas Eve Morning.

As you may already know, I wasn't going to let Christmas get the best of me this year.  I had been planning and shopping and saving all year long just to prepare myself for this yuletide torture.  This was going to be the year I would not have a nervous breakdown.  

The Friday before Christmas I had finished off the last of the major house cleaning and had prepped all the cookie dough for baking on Christmas Eve while the kids were enjoying their last day of school.

The Saturday before Christmas my husband and I officially finished the last of the shopping.  We could hardly believe it.  Usually we're flipping coins to find out who has to go out at the last minute on Christmas Eve and then trying to console ourselves about all the shit we couldn't get done over a glass of rum and egg nog.

So on the Sunday night before Christmas, after patting myself on the back for all my clever planning, I felt like it was safe for me to go out with the girls for a few drinks and celebrate the fact that all I had to do on Christmas Eve was fun Christmas stuff with my kids in my clean, clean house.

Before I left all I asked was that Frick take the dog for a walk before bed.  It was going to be a late for me and the other Mrs. Clauses. We had worked hard and deserved to blow off a little steam.

This is probably why I failed to notice the mess I stumbled came home to.  I just kind of walked past it and went straight to bed, a little preoccupied with the possibility of having to face a hangover in the morning.

So at first, when I opened my eyes Christmas Eve Morning I was pretty happy because I wasn't hungover after all.  Sure I was a little groggy but nothing a good cup of coffee wouldn't cure.

And when I walked out to the living room to find an army of small robots on the floor and then pierce my foot on one of many other toys lying all over the place I thought, "Don't let this ruin all your hard work, it's just some toys.  Get the boys to pick them up while you drink your coffee and all will be well."

And when I walked into the kitchen to see that no one had bothered to wash the dinner dishes (or even scrape, rinse and stack them) and had just saved them for me I thought, "Okay, Okay no big deal.  So you forgot to ask someone to wash the dishes.  Scrape, rinse and stack them and then offer Frick money to wash them.  We weren't going to bake cookies until this afternoon anyway.  This can still be a perfect Christmas."

As I was making the coffee my husband was getting ready for work and the boys were just coming downstairs for breakfast.  Frick asked me if he could let Fry out of his crate so I said "Sure".

Immediately Fry starts doing his "OMG, I'm so freaking happy to see you!" dance at me, with his tail wagging and him rolling over onto his back at my feet and dammit, he looks so darned cute when he does this!  I turn to my husband saying "You gotta admit this is pretty charming.  Okay Fry, I see you.  Don't worry widdle man, Mommy'll pet you.  You're such a good-"

And as soon as I laid hands on my dog he began to piss helplessly on the floor and my feet.

Me (leaping back): "AAAAH!!"

Daddy:  "WHAT?"

Me:  "LOOK OUT!  DON'T MOVE, THERE'S PISS EVERYWHERE!  FRICK!!!"

Daddy:  "WHY ARE YOU YELLING FOR FRICK!?!"

Me:  "FRICK!  YOU NEED TO WALK THIS DOG, RIGHT NOW!  DIDN'T YOU WALK THE DOG LAST NIGHT?!?"

Daddy (ever the gallant defender):  "YES HE WALKED THE DOG!  I TOLD HIM TO WALK THE DOG!  HE SAID HE WALKED THE DOG!"

(Sounds of dog piss splashing on the floor in great rivulets, everywhere)

Me:  "THERE IS NO WAY HE WALKED THIS ANIMAL."

Frick:  "I DID TOO!"

(Splashing sounds.  The rivulets are now pooling into small lakes.)

Me:  "REALLY?!?  ARE WE REALLY ARGUING ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW?  BECAUSE CLEARLY THAT DID NOT HAPPEN!!!"

(More splashing sounds in the background.  Fry looks miserable and ashamed.)

Me:  "FOR GOD'S SAKE GET THAT DOG OUT OF THE HOUSE!!!"

(As Frick is taking the dog outside, the poor animal is still pissing, only now the piss is splashing from side to side with each step he takes, hitting a good number of blocks and robots as he goes.)

Daddy:  "I SWEAR HE TOLD ME HE TOOK THE DOG OUT!"

Me:  "ARE YOU SERIOUS?  I LITERALLY HAVE TO FORD MY WAY OVER TO THE TOWELS RIGHT NOW AND YOU'RE NOT CONSIDERING THE POSSIBILITY THAT MAYBE HE LIED TO YOU?  BECAUSE THAT AMOUNT OF FLUID COMING OUT OF A SHIH TZU SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED!"

Daddy:  "OKAY, SO YOU'RE RIGHT!  WHY ARE WE STILL YELLING?"

Me:  "I DON'T KNOW!!!"

At that moment we kind of laughed at each other.  He tried to help me clean up some of the mess on the floor but he had to go to work.  After all my careful planning I ended up spending Christmas Eve disinfecting toys, washing urine soaked towels and bleaching my floors instead of baking cookies and doing fun Christmas activities.

Well played, Christmas.  Well played.

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