Merry Christmas, Mommies!

I mean, Happy Mother's Day, which for me is the best holiday of the year.  I don't have to work my ass off like I do at Christmas, and there isn't a constant parade of people reminding me of how old I'm getting like on my birthday.  Which is great because then I am far less likely to get drunk and black out forgetting the whole thing or worse, being told about it by the police someone else.  Mother's Day is that magical time of year when I can emotionally blackmail my family into treating me like a queen and it works, because I can tell you that shit does not work any other time of year.  Here is how I like to celebrate my special day.

The night before Mother's Day I am almost too excited to fall asleep.   I use up all this excess energy barking orders at the men in my house that it needs to be clean for tomorrow.  I must wake up to a clean house.  Nevermind the damn breakfast.  I'm all too happy to pass on the burnt toast or the cold rubbery eggs or the pancakes still raw in the middle.  Just a decent cup of coffee and no dirty dishes in the sink, thank you.  It's the least you can do after I eroded my pelvis squeezing you ingrates into the world.

Inevitably exhaustion takes over and I am able to go to bed.  When I get up in the morning my house looks magical.  The joy of stepping onto a clean floor!  No crumbs or legos or mysterious sticky spots.  My husband and children all chorus a "Happy Mother's Day!" at me and I spend some time basking in their love before I throw them out of my house.  "I love you!"  I call after them.  "Now don't come home until supper!"

And then that's it.  The rest of the day is mine to whatever I want, and what I want is mostly to pretend for a couple of hours that I am not a mother.  I indulge in the things that are difficult for me to enjoy because I have kids like taking an uninterrupted, hot bath, painting my toenails or getting drunk in the afternoon.  Because this is the day that is all about me and damnit, I deserve it.  Because when you become a Mom you don't get holidays anymore.  Easter, Halloween, Christmas and birthdays are all about the kids, overstimulated and high on sugar: us moms hardly ever get a break.  This is the one holiday that is least likely to end with me crying hysterically on the floor praying for death.

I raise my tumbler of wine to all the Mommies, cheers!  Milk this day for all it's worth.