Tuesday 25 June 2013

To The Mens: The World is Not Your Personal Singles Bar

This one's for the single mens.

More specifically this is for the City Worker who hit on two young women in a grocery store parking lot yesterday.  This also goes out to the guy working at the pharmacy who gave me the very generous invitation to fly away to the Bahamas with him.  And let's not forget the face police.  The dudes who are trying to make the world a better place by forcing every female face to "Smile, girl!  You're so pretty when you smile!"

I think it's time you had a little perspective from us ladies.  This is to help explain to you some of our mystifying behaviour such as not being overly appreciative of your, er, attention.

Stop it.  We think you're fucking creepy.

"But, I'm just being friendly," you say.  

"Women like to know they are attractive," you say.  "They should feel flattered."

Well aren't you just special

It's almost like we don't have mirrors to tell us exactly what we look like any time we care to look.  Perhaps we are too stupid to interpret the information of mirrors with our eyes and we need a man (a special, special man like you for example) to give us this information.  Because it's so precious coming from you, you special guy!

"But how else am I supposed to meet women?" you ask.

I am so glad you asked!  Because from the looks of things you don't seem to have a fucking clue.

For starters we don't necessarily want to meet men at the same places we buy milk, bread and toilet paper.  When a woman is at the grocery store she is usually there to buy groceries.  I know!  Crazy but it's true!  If I'm at the checkout in the pharmacy where you work I am desperately hoping that you aren't paying too much attention to the tampons, condoms and laxatives in my basket.  And if I'm walking down the street I am hoping I am not about to be sexually assaulted by some rando stranger because it happens in varying degrees all the fucking time.

Here's a fun analogy.

Everybody poops, right?  It is good and healthy and we need to do it.  But we generally do our shitting in the bathroom, more specifically in a toilet.  We don't squat wherever we please, whenever the need should arise.  We don't shit in the middle of the grocery store.  We don't shit on public streets.  We don't shit at our desks or in front of customers at work.  There is a time and place to shit and none of those places are it.

The same goes for potential relationships.  There are places you can go where women will be receptive to your advances like a singles bar, a club or a party.  Women often go to these places in the hopes that they will meet men.  When you approach random women on the street just because you like the way they look you have no idea what is going on in her life.  Some of these women are already married or have boyfriends. Some of these women are gay or are simply just want to walk from point A to point B in relative peace.

"But lots of women respond positively when I act this way.  Many of them smile and blush from the flattery," you say.

I used to be one of those smiling blushing women, and since such is the case I can tell you what is going on in the minds of us smiling, seemingly flattered women.  It goes a little something like this:

A strange man is talking to me and expressing a physical interest in my appearance.  Since I have no idea who he is or where he came from I wonder if he might be crazy or have a criminal record?  I wonder if he's violent?  He sure is bigger than me.  Just smile and placate him and maybe he'll leave you alone.  Maybe he won't follow you and keep talking to you.  Just make him and his ego happy because, if experience has taught me anything it's that this can get real ugly real fast if he feels rejected.  Better get my hand on my pepper spray/car keys or any potential weapon just in case.

And BTW, if she pretends not to hear you by ignoring you or wearing headphones this is not an invitation to take things up a notch and get our attention.  This is just the best way we have come up with so far to reject your advances without being called a "bitch" or worse.

Yes, it's nice to know we are attractive to the opposite sex but I have yet to meet a woman who would think this attention is fun and flattering.  I have yet to meet a woman who would respond by handing out a phone number or just running off with her admirer.  I suppose it's possible they exist, but I'm guessing I have yet to meet them because they are too busy being turned into three-piece suits or having their body parts stuffed into refrigerators.

"But I'm a nice guy," you say.  "I wouldn't hurt any woman."

Well pardon me if we don't take your word for it.  You must excuse women in general from not realizing what a "nice guy" you are just on your say so because we have already met plenty of self-proclaimed "nice guys" and they are the worst.  "Nice guys" are the ones who tend to get super pissed when you don't reward their being nice to you with sex.  

If your idea of being "nice" to us includes making us wonder if we are going to be allowed to walk away from you in one piece if we don't smile at you and pretend to be flattered by your compliments then maybe you need to re-examine the definition of "nice".  Because all of this unsolicited flattery of us based on our physical appearance alone lets us know you are only interested in one thing, and that is not flattering.  It just makes us feel like meat.

So what's a nice, special fella like yourself to do?  

Here's a thought.  Treat us like people.  Talk to us in social settings where we are more likely to be receptive to your responses.  Perhaps express an interest in getting to know us as human beings.  Don't assume we are going to want to talk to you but respectfully ask first.  Don't do that shitty "negging" thing or use other pick-up artist formulas to "get" us.  Work on your personality.  Have something intelligent to talk about.  Make us laugh.

And if none of that works, move on.  Just because a woman is in a social setting when you hit on her does not mean she wants you.  It just means she is more understanding of you approaching her.  She doesn't owe you anything.

Don't get me wrong.  You don't need to make every interaction with a girl about long term relationships.  Not all of us are looking to get married.  We have physical needs, too.  We would just like those needs to be met by someone a little less....rapey.

And if any of this advice isn't really your bag you are probably wasting your time talking to radnom women to get what you want.  Perhaps you need to explore the seedy underbelly of Craig's List instead.


  1. Incredibly well written and I would venture to say 100% spot on. I don't know any of those women who like to be treated that way either. I think Jeffry Dahlmer ate them.

    I had a guy-friend one time try to convince me that the leering, smoochie-mouthing, "hey baby" calling guys across the bar where I *worked* were "just being nice." MY friend - not theirs. He tried to tell me to take it as a compliment. blech. They were turning my stomach is what they were doing.

    1. You should totally submit that to the Everyday Sexism project. Also that brings up another thing that drives me nuts: the guys hitting on women serving them.

      I worked in service for years and these guys felt entitled to hit on me without 1) realizing I'm at work, so I'm kind of trapped there talking to them 2) it's my job to be nice to people. So basically, by law I am protected from sexual harassment in the workplace but only from my co-workers. When it comes to customers however, I have to put up with it and smile because not doing that makes me a "bitch".