Monday, 6 February 2012

7 Signs That You're a Good Mom: Lowering the Bar So We All Win

I'm jealous of my husband.  He gets to be Dad.  When you're Dad you get credit just for showing up.   And that's setting the bar pretty low when it comes to any kind of parenting, but it sets the standard nicely for getting plenty of extra credit when you go above and beyond just showing up.

So why are the standards for being Mom so impossibly high?

You have to control your emotions 100% of the time.  You can never lose your shit to the point of yelling and swearing.  In fact, swearing is strictly verboten  regardless of your tone of voice.  Instead you must exercise limitless patience and love and understanding.  You get judged on what you feed your kids, how they're dressed, the length of their hair, when and how they sleep, how much freedom they have, how little freedom they have, how they behave in public, how you behave in public, their performance in school and, ultimately, how they turn out as adults.

Being the avant-garde trendsetter that I am I have decided to set a new standard.  It's time to lower the bar so we all get to win.

1.  Are you currently raising children?  Congratulations!  You're a good Mom.

2.  Are you doing your best to meet the needs of your child (food, shelter, medicine, clothing, etc.)?  Then you're a good Mom.  Even if you fall short of meeting those needs sometimes you're still a good Mom.  We're all just doing the best we can.

3.  Did you get your child to eat at least one food from each food group over the course of the day?  Then you're a good Mom.  And even if you didn't, you're still a good Mom.  You know what they say: you can lead a horse to water but you can't strap it down and force feed it vegetables.

4.  Did you not reciprocate when your child punched/bit/spit on/slapped/otherwise intentionally injured you?  Then you're a good Mom.  Just because you really, really wanted to reciprocate does not mean that you're a bad Mom.  It just means your kid is acting like an asshole.

5.  Did your child arrive at school fully dressed?  Then you're a good Mom.  It doesn't matter that his clothes are backwards, mismatched and dirty.  He can learn just as well in that as he can in clean matching clothes.   Shoes + Shirt + Pants = My Kid Has a Right to an Education.

6.  Did your child come home today without a police escort?  Then you're a good Mom.  There will come a time when the police will come to visit, but that's okay.  Statistically speaking, that represents a highly insignificant number compared to all the times she didn't.  That makes you 99.9% Good Mom.

7.  Do you still have the capacity to love your children to the point that you would die for them even though they put you through all of this shit?  Not only are you a good Mom, you're a freaking saint!


  1. I like your standards. These can work for me.

  2. I am extremely happy with this list.

    Does it count as "dressed" if the clothes they're wearing are fucking stupid? My six year old insists on wearing these heinous blue shoes to school. I feel like the teacher MUST judge me. I would judge me. I would think "Who is this idiot mom that buys shoes like this for her child?" I feel like I should write her a note saying, "No, I didn't buy these stupid ass shoes. He picked them out. I just don't know what to tell you. We know they're dumb. Please don't judge us. We're good parents, I swear!"

    1. Hell, yes! Ugly blue shoes protect the feet from the elements as good as any other. Mine favors yellow rubber boots. They make his feet stink to high heaven.

  3. My daughters teacher once sent a memo home at the beginning of the year...the only thing I remezmber about it is that it said to not worry about what they were wearing and they wouldn't judge us. It claimed that the teachers realize that we moms would never pick out orange jeans, fuschia sparkly cowboy boots and a green plaid shirt! If the child wants to wear it...let em! They get it. I always suspected that only the female teachers got it...but that's another story. ;)

  4. Do you secretly hide in my closet?!? This is TOTALLY me!

  5. thank you thank you THANK YOU. (breathes a sigh of relief.)

  6. LOVE. THIS. POST!!! Seriously, it hit the nail on the head and you're right. If a dad shows up at something, he's considered an "amazing parent". Thank you!

  7. And? Thanks for putting me on your blogroll, I'm completely honored!!!

  8. Awesome. Yvonne tipped me off to you. I would add, "Is your child alive at the end of the day, even if not without wear and tear?" I always tell her that I understand why hamsters eat their kids.

  9. I put your posts on my facebook wall, you seriously deserve more than 33 followers. Oh, hey Selena! 34 followers. Still, YOU DESERVE MORE!!!

  10. I remember Rosanne saying that if her kids were still alive at the end of the day then she did her job- you raised the Rosanne Barr! Thanks for the post!

  11. God, I feel better already and it's only 7:45 am! ;) Great post. Come visit me at

  12. I know an Excellent Mother whose child, because of neuro-type problems, form whom coming home with a police escort would not be out of the realm of unlikely. Doesn't affect my friend being one of the best mothers EVER in the least.

  13. I'm a young mom and scared I am a shitty one this makes me feel much much much better!!!! Thank you so much.

  14. You may be young. You may be scared. You may even be a complete stranger to me, but I'm pretty damn sure you're not a shitty mom. Thanks for the comment!