One of the things that used to make me feel super Christmas-y as a kid was figuring out which Christmas specials would be airing on TV when. Those nights being allowed to stay up a little later than usual, eating my mother's shortbread cookies and making Christmas crafts while we watched was what really put me in the Christmas spirit.
But modern technology went ahead and ruined all of that.
Because now, instead of working our schedules around some moderate TV programming, we can have an entire library's worth of Christmas specials at our fingertips by popping in a DVD or whatever modern convenience you prefer. Which means that, if we want to, we can have Christmas shit playing non-stop, all day long, as if we were the Hallmark channel. Oh, and I guess there's also the fucking Hallmark channel.
I don't know about you guys but that is exactly what happens in our house. I have so much to do at this time of year and sometimes the only thing that gets the kids off my back about Christmas is letting them watch "Frosty the Snowman" for the umpteenth time.
These shows are played un-endingly for the entire month of December and I can tell you, a year isn't long enough to make me stop being sick of them (even the good ones!). "A Christmas Story" is probably my favourite, but I don't think I can bear to watch it one more time.
That sucks.
Well, when life hands you lemons...add vodka.
Instead of bemoaning the fact that I can never enjoy a Christmas movie again I have decided to cope with them, and the whole damned holiday, by making a fun drinking game! So get your favourite Holiday mixer because here are the rules to...
Mommy Rotten's Christmas Special Drinking Game
1. Are you watching yet another Christmas special? I'm sorry. Have yourself a drink.
2. Is the title of that movie also the title of a Christmas song? (Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, Frosty the Snowman, White Christmas, The Christmas Shoes). Take a drink. Take two if the plot of the movie is based on the lyrics. Then drink every time they sing it or play it as background music. In fact....
3. Every time someone sings a Christmas song during the special, take a drink.
4. If the story is about a character who doesn't quite fit in (a "misfit" if you will), take a drink (Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, Rudolph's Shiny New Year, Olive the Other Reindeer, Santa Claus: The Movie). Take two drinks if this causes the character to leave the North Pole for some hilarious fish-out-of-water adventures (Elf).
5. Take a drink if Santa petulantly threatens to quit Christmas because people don't love him or Christmas enough (The Year Without a Santa Claus, 'Twas the Night Before Christmas, It Nearly Wasn't Christmas, Once upon a Christmas). Celebrate with another drink when the collective ass-kissing of the world brings him back.
6. Take a drink if the main character "saves Christmas". (Ernest Saves Christmas, Elmo Saves Christmas, A Flinstone Christmas, The Bears Who Saved Christmas).
7. Take a drink if the main character is having a crisis over the possible non-existence of Santa (Yes Virginia, There is a Santa Claus, A Very Goofy Christmas, The Polar Express). Take two drinks if the crisis is resolved by getting stuff from Santa (Miracle on 34th Street).
8. Take a drink if the main character learns the "true meaning of Christmas". (How the Grinch Stole Christmas, A Charlie Brown Christmas, One Magic Christmas).
9. Take a drink if one or more of the characters are treated like insufferable assholes if they fail in any way to profess their undying love for Christmas (A Christmas Carol, Christmas With the Kranks, Christmas with a Capital "C"). Drink again when they learn the "true meaning of Christmas" and change their Christmas-hating ways.
10. Take a drink if the main character is given supernatural aid via ghosts, elves, angels, etc. (It's a Wonderful Life, Santa Claus: The Movie, Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July). Take two drinks if this supernatural aid leads to them learn the "true meaning of Christmas" (A Christmas Carol, One Magic Christmas). Take three drinks if the supernatural aid punches the main character in the face (Scrooged).
11. Take a drink if Santa dies/wants to retire and the job of being Santa must go to someone else (Ernest Saves Christmas, The Santa Clause, Call Me Claus, Santa Claus: The Movie, Mr. St. Nick).
12. Take a drink if young children travel to the North Pole sans parental consent or adequate adult supervision. Talking snowmen, angels, elves, magical train conductors or Santa Claus do not count as "adequate adult supervision". (Frosty the Snowman, The Polar Express, One Magic Christmas)
13. Take a drink if the Christmas special involves heavy subject matter like poverty, death or homelessness (A Christmas Carol, Scrooged, The Christmas Shoes) . Take two drinks if these subjects are unsatisfyingly resolved with "Christmas Magic". (Prancer, Santa Claus: The Movie, One Magic Christmas, Jack Frost). Take a lot more drinks when you end up having to explain all that shit to your kid.
14. Take two drinks if the Christmas special takes place in a time/universe where the existence of Jesus Christ or Santa Claus is impossible. (A Flinstones Christmas, He-Man & She-Ra: A Christmas Special, Christmas Who?, The Star Wars Holiday Special)
15. Take a double shot to counter the PTSD from watching any Christmas specials where the main character is forced to relive Christmas over and over again (Christmas Do-Over, Christmas Every Day, Stuck On Christmas). Celebrate with another shot when it's finally over because they learned the "true meaning of Christmas".
16. Chug down your whole drink if the Christmas special promises to ruin your childhood. (How the Grinch Stole Christmas, A Christmas Story 2, Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie's Island Adventure)
17. Drink the whole damned bottle if you're watching The Christmas Shoes. Seriously. It's the worst.
But modern technology went ahead and ruined all of that.
Because now, instead of working our schedules around some moderate TV programming, we can have an entire library's worth of Christmas specials at our fingertips by popping in a DVD or whatever modern convenience you prefer. Which means that, if we want to, we can have Christmas shit playing non-stop, all day long, as if we were the Hallmark channel. Oh, and I guess there's also the fucking Hallmark channel.
I don't know about you guys but that is exactly what happens in our house. I have so much to do at this time of year and sometimes the only thing that gets the kids off my back about Christmas is letting them watch "Frosty the Snowman" for the umpteenth time.
These shows are played un-endingly for the entire month of December and I can tell you, a year isn't long enough to make me stop being sick of them (even the good ones!). "A Christmas Story" is probably my favourite, but I don't think I can bear to watch it one more time.
That sucks.
Well, when life hands you lemons...add vodka.
Instead of bemoaning the fact that I can never enjoy a Christmas movie again I have decided to cope with them, and the whole damned holiday, by making a fun drinking game! So get your favourite Holiday mixer because here are the rules to...
Mommy Rotten's Christmas Special Drinking Game
1. Are you watching yet another Christmas special? I'm sorry. Have yourself a drink.
2. Is the title of that movie also the title of a Christmas song? (Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, Frosty the Snowman, White Christmas, The Christmas Shoes). Take a drink. Take two if the plot of the movie is based on the lyrics. Then drink every time they sing it or play it as background music. In fact....
3. Every time someone sings a Christmas song during the special, take a drink.
4. If the story is about a character who doesn't quite fit in (a "misfit" if you will), take a drink (Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, Rudolph's Shiny New Year, Olive the Other Reindeer, Santa Claus: The Movie). Take two drinks if this causes the character to leave the North Pole for some hilarious fish-out-of-water adventures (Elf).
5. Take a drink if Santa petulantly threatens to quit Christmas because people don't love him or Christmas enough (The Year Without a Santa Claus, 'Twas the Night Before Christmas, It Nearly Wasn't Christmas, Once upon a Christmas). Celebrate with another drink when the collective ass-kissing of the world brings him back.
6. Take a drink if the main character "saves Christmas". (Ernest Saves Christmas, Elmo Saves Christmas, A Flinstone Christmas, The Bears Who Saved Christmas).
7. Take a drink if the main character is having a crisis over the possible non-existence of Santa (Yes Virginia, There is a Santa Claus, A Very Goofy Christmas, The Polar Express). Take two drinks if the crisis is resolved by getting stuff from Santa (Miracle on 34th Street).
8. Take a drink if the main character learns the "true meaning of Christmas". (How the Grinch Stole Christmas, A Charlie Brown Christmas, One Magic Christmas).
9. Take a drink if one or more of the characters are treated like insufferable assholes if they fail in any way to profess their undying love for Christmas (A Christmas Carol, Christmas With the Kranks, Christmas with a Capital "C"). Drink again when they learn the "true meaning of Christmas" and change their Christmas-hating ways.
10. Take a drink if the main character is given supernatural aid via ghosts, elves, angels, etc. (It's a Wonderful Life, Santa Claus: The Movie, Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July). Take two drinks if this supernatural aid leads to them learn the "true meaning of Christmas" (A Christmas Carol, One Magic Christmas). Take three drinks if the supernatural aid punches the main character in the face (Scrooged).
11. Take a drink if Santa dies/wants to retire and the job of being Santa must go to someone else (Ernest Saves Christmas, The Santa Clause, Call Me Claus, Santa Claus: The Movie, Mr. St. Nick).
12. Take a drink if young children travel to the North Pole sans parental consent or adequate adult supervision. Talking snowmen, angels, elves, magical train conductors or Santa Claus do not count as "adequate adult supervision". (Frosty the Snowman, The Polar Express, One Magic Christmas)
13. Take a drink if the Christmas special involves heavy subject matter like poverty, death or homelessness (A Christmas Carol, Scrooged, The Christmas Shoes) . Take two drinks if these subjects are unsatisfyingly resolved with "Christmas Magic". (Prancer, Santa Claus: The Movie, One Magic Christmas, Jack Frost). Take a lot more drinks when you end up having to explain all that shit to your kid.
14. Take two drinks if the Christmas special takes place in a time/universe where the existence of Jesus Christ or Santa Claus is impossible. (A Flinstones Christmas, He-Man & She-Ra: A Christmas Special, Christmas Who?, The Star Wars Holiday Special)
15. Take a double shot to counter the PTSD from watching any Christmas specials where the main character is forced to relive Christmas over and over again (Christmas Do-Over, Christmas Every Day, Stuck On Christmas). Celebrate with another shot when it's finally over because they learned the "true meaning of Christmas".
16. Chug down your whole drink if the Christmas special promises to ruin your childhood. (How the Grinch Stole Christmas, A Christmas Story 2, Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie's Island Adventure)
17. Drink the whole damned bottle if you're watching The Christmas Shoes. Seriously. It's the worst.
I tried your drinking game, and got through half of one movie then woke up on the floor the next morning. Naked and confused.
ReplyDeleteOh my God. I'm already drunk. *Hic*
ReplyDeleteWait a sec. They made THREE movies that were combo-ripoffs of Scrooged and Groundhog Day? THREE?
ReplyDeleteDepressing, right? See, this is why I drink.
ReplyDeleteI like your game, I'm just not sure how much of the To-Do list would get tackled. Or how much money would have to be pulled from the Christmas Gift fund to cover the Getting Through Christmas fund shortfall.
ReplyDeleteHahaha this is hilarious! Sharing it for sure!
ReplyDeleteMegan, LushtoBlush.com