Thursday 23 February 2012

Man Vs. Woman: A Tale of Love, Marriage and Petty Revenge

I wrote this post before I started blogging just for my facebook friends, so I apologize to those who have already read it.  But I thought it was a good one to write given my recent posts about life with ADHD.  Also, it's already written and that means minimal effort this morning which is great because I have to take Frack to his playgroup, which is led by Lyle the Effeminate Heterosexual (probably a whole other blog post.....Gah, I'm so confused!)

They say when it comes to success in a relationship you have to learn not to sweat the small stuff.  They also say that when it comes to long term plans the devil is in the details.  It seems that all of life's wisdom comes in contradictions.  I have always said that when it comes to marriage it is important to resolve your conflicts as peacefully as possible.  But this morning irony hit me in the form of a rotting pumpkin.

My marriage, like any other normal marriage, is fraught with little problems.  When it comes to the big things that might spell divorce in the future I usually rely on my method of of peaceful conflict resolution.  But when it comes to the little things we're not supposed to sweat it seems that Daddy and I have been engaging in a passive aggressive war of Spy vs. Spy proportions.  As I listened to my husband leave for work this morning muttering about a "Goddamn rotting pumpkin on (his) shoes" the hilarity of our situation hit me and, instead of handling our problem in a mature way through adult discussion, I'mma blog about it!  Because over the years, we have accumulated some pretty epic passive aggressive conflict.

Mommy Rotten Presents:  The Adventures of Man vs. Woman

Man:  Tired of sharing a room with Woman and small baby, never getting enough sleep because Woman keeps needing to go into the bedroom for baby stuff, Man decides to lock Woman out of the bedroom so he can get some uninterrupted rest.

Woman:  Totally irritated because she hasn't slept for more than twenty minutes straight since the baby came, needs to clean an explosive poop from said baby.  Diapers, wipes and clean baby clothes are all in the bedroom that she unexpectedly finds herself locked out of.  Instead of being able to quietly slip in and out of the room like she had planned, she now has to pound on the door until the Man wakes up and lets her in.  Later, after the Man has gone to work, Woman gets a screwdriver and removes the lock from the bedroom door.

Woman:  Concerned about the heating bill, Woman turns down the thermostat every night reasoning that when sharing a bed with another adult and a baby, there is no real reason to keep the house at Sub-Saharan temperatures.

Man:  Living away from Mom and Dad for the first time has no idea yet of what it costs to heat a house.  All he knows is that it is Winter and it is too hard for him to get up for work in the morning with the house icy cold.  Tired of having to get up in the cold and go turn the heat back up he instead super-glues the thermostat to the temperature he prefers.

Man:  Works hard all week and feels that he should not have to do much on the weekends, other than spend time with the kids and maybe do some computer jobs on the side here and there.

Woman:  Spends the entire week doing all of the drudge work and would maybe like to spend the weekend not feeling like someone's free maid service and doesn't think it is too much to ask the Man to do a few loads of dishes.  In fact she insists on it and refuses to touch the dishes.  The dishes pile up, neglected all weekend and then Woman ends up cleaning all the dishes which are harder to clean because they have been sitting there, crusty and nasty, all weekend long.

Fed up with the situation, Woman takes all of the dirty dishes and places them in the shower of the Man's bathroom.

Man:  Washes the dishes he finds in the shower and says nothing.  He gets better at washing weekend dishes for a while and then falls back into old habits.

Woman:  Starts getting stuck with all the dishes, all the time again.  This time she takes all the dirty dishes and puts them in the passenger seat of his car.

Woman:  Loves gardening, even though it is sweaty, back-breaking work.  Woman has a bad habit of weeding the garden and just leaving all the weeds and debris on the grass beside the garden because she is easily distracted by the demands of children and other household duties.  She always intends to pick up the yard but doesn't ever seem to get around it before the grass needs cutting.

Man:  Cutting the grass is a real pain due to the shape of the backyard.  The last thing the Man needs is for it to be made harder by having to go around and pick up all the yard waste in the failing daylight when he just wants to quickly cut the grass.  Man solves the problem by tossing the yard waste (weed seeds and all) on top of the Woman's flowers.

And finally....

Woman:  Has been trying to get rid of a pumpkin she got from her Mother in-law but never got around to cooking.  The pumpkin is now rotting and is too heavy to put right in the paper bag that goes out to the green bin, so she puts it right beside the paper bag hoping the Man will understand that she would not want to keep a pumpkin she has been storing next to the garbage.

Week 1:  The pumpkin has a small black spot on the bottom.  The pumpkin does not make it to the curb for pickup.

Week 2:  Black spot on the pumpkin is slightly larger and there's some white mould around it.  The pumpkin still does not make it to the curb.

Man:  Notices that the pumpkin has been sitting beside the garbage for a couple of weeks now.  Man asks the Woman if he should get rid of the pumpkin and is met with an emphatic "Yes, please!!!"  Man inexplicably fails to get the pumpkin to the curb that week.

Woman:  Sees the pumpkin, now white and furry on the bottom, still not at the curb.  Woman also notices the sink full of dishes waiting for her.  Woman responds by carefully placing the rotting pumpkin, rotten bottom side facing up (the top still looks fine) directly on the Man's shoes, knowing he'll have to do something with it if he wants to go to work, and then quietly proceeds to wash the dishes.

Man:  Wears boots to work instead.  Leaves pumpkin on top of shoes grumbling "Goddamn rotting pumpkin on my shoes" on his way out the door.

So we're not as good at resolving conflict as I had hoped.  But you know we have a pretty good sense of humour in our house and most of this stuff gets laughed off.  So maybe that's the key to a good marriage; being able to laugh at yourself.  I don't know, I'm making this shit up as I go along.  I wrote this before I figured out that Daddy probably has ADHD, and looking back I can't believe I missed it.

As for my behaviour?  I don't have ADHD.  I'm just kind of a bitch.


  1. Girl, I've been married for 20 years and have a Master's Degree in this kind of BS. Gotta say, while it may not be healthy, it can be surprisingly satisfying. :)
    Rock on, Bitchy Woman!

  2. OMG!!! I seriously laughed while reading this, which is rare for me. You are freaking hilarious and smart and MADE OF AWESOME!!!! I loved the visualization of his passenger seat full of dirty dishes. And in the shower. Too funny!

    1. Thank you! Having experienced the whole thing first hand I can assure you it was *exactly* as funny as you visualized. I still giggle about it.

  3. It would be maddening for those things to happen in my house, but it is funny to read about in yours.

  4. Love this! I think that your actions are things I have daydreamed about doing and it is about time I just do them! I mean what am I waiting for?

    Thanks for the courage ;)

  5. I know you have been spying on me..... How do you know that stuff like this goes on in my house, too?