Friday, 9 September 2011

Because You Asked For It: Double Feature! Penis Discovery and V. C. Andrews

Bitches in the Burbs has been nominated for's Funniest Mom Blog.  And they totally deserve to win.  The thing is, they're struggling to get votes and I can see why.  I've been trying to vote for a couple of days but my shitty internet skills combined with's incredibly shitty site is screwing their chances.  I tried again today but my password isn't working.  Maybe the rest of you might have some luck, so first check out their blog (it won't disappoint) and then go here to vote and maybe you will have better luck than I did.  I'm still trying but in the meantime I have worked out my frustrations with the site by presenting to you today a Because You Asked For It Double Feature, courtesy of and their Ask Parents forum.


My soon to be 5-year-old son has recently "discovered himself" and we are constantly seeing him with his hands down his pants playing with his penis.  Is this normal for this age, and how do we respond to this without making him feel embarrassed?


Dear Jessica625,

Your son is almost five and he only just recently "discovered himself"?  I think you might have bigger problems on your hands than how to talk to him about pocket pool. Five years? Jeez, Frick got right in there the second the diaper was opened.  I used to have to pin his little hands down with my feet as I wiped his butt or there would be all kinds of nasty mess!

Funny story, when Frack was 8 months old he still hadn't shown any interest in his penis and I was so worried about it!  Like maybe he didn't have any feeling in his penis.  Or maybe there was something wrong with his brain that made him not know it was there.  Or maybe he was one of those people who would never be interested in sex and then would never give me grandchildren and then all my hopes would be pinned on Frick.  You have no idea the relief I felt when he finally started taking off his clothes for the express purpose of penis access!

If I were you I would encourage your son to continue his long overdue discovery as much as possible.  But there's a time and place.  Have a talk with him.  Bedroom: good.  Bathroom: good.  During morning announcements in Kindergarten class: not so good.  During morning announcements outside of a Kindergarten class, thirty years from now: really not good.

                                                                                              Mommy Rotten


I have a boy and a girl who are pretty close in age.  My son is 3 1/2, and my daughter is 2.  I put them both in the tub for bath time and recently I was wondering when I should start giving them separate baths.  They really enjoy their time in the tub together.


Dear ldanielson06,

Okay, is this like one of those things that happens online where intonation doesn't carry through and that could change the whole meaning?  Like, do your kids really enjoy their time in the tub together or do they really enjoy their time in the tub together, know what I'm sayin'?  Is that why you're so worried?  Because you're afraid of starting some kind of crazy incest thing?

If there's anything I learned from V. C. Andrews, it's that incest only happens between siblings who have been locked away together for several years during the sexual awakening of their adolescence.  Or between a naive (I wish I knew how to type umlauts) 13 year old hillbilly girl and her rich uncle she just discovered she had, or between a 13 year old girl and her boyfriend who turned out to be her long lost rich brother she didn't know she had until after he had developed an unhealthy sexual obsession with her.

Unless you are extremely wealthy, or extremely dirt-poor, or have long lost wealthy relatives on the verge of death, or any deep-dark-horrifying secrets, you shouldn't have anything to worry about.  Let them enjoy bath time while they can because in a couple of years they are going to hate each other's guts with a fierce passion that should last until shortly after one of them moves out.

If you do fall into those categories you should know that the incest usually happens under conditions of rape and far-fetched stupidity.  That and the rape almost always results in a pregnancy.  The good news is that you have what, 11 years until she turns 13?  That should give you some time to plan a strategy.  Like buying her a rape whistle and putting her on the pill.  And um, yeah.  Maybe quit it with the baths.

                                                                                             Mommy Rotten


  1. I love reading your posts:) they make me all warm and fuzzy insde, I mean who doesn't like to read about idiots? It could be that, or the whisky in my coffee.... who knows

  2. This made me laugh out loud!

  3. Ashley, as long as you keep reading my posts, I say "Irish that shit up!"